Best Funny hillarious jokes of all time

Ex: Your dress is too short.
Girl:Thanks, the designer used ur dick for measurement😂😂😂😂

 

LADIES!
Ladies Please pin your pants. My husband has just explained to me how the wind blew our neighbors pant into our bedroom😟😟😟

 

AFTER SEX.....
Boy: Thanks love I had a nice time...
Girl: Me too hun..... but why didn't you tell
me you had a "small" guitar?
Boy: It's because I didn't know I was going
to perform in a "community hall"😭
😂😂🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾😂😂

 

Girl; mum Onyango paid me to climb the coconut tree. Mum; He is so stupid, he wanted to see ur pantie. Girl;I knew it and am so clever, I removed my pantie before climbing.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣, Btn the boy and the girl who was stupid??

 

Ever had sex with a stammerer?
You will think she's laughing not knowing she's trying to tell you 'harder'. You will hear 'hahaha' 😂SEX IS A WITCHCRAFT LETS NOT ARGUE😂😂

 

*Never mess with a woman, she's the only human who met the devil face to face, till now no one knows what was discussed beyond the fruit.*

🤪🤪🤪

 

*Short people understand something faster than tall people because they are always under standing*😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

 

If the dick 🍆is sweet you don't have to help her raise legs🍑she will find a place to hang them🤗
Bro just concentrate 😏

 

You keep on requesting contact numbers from every girl you meet, Ah my brother are you registering sim cards?😄😄.. 

 

What a man can do, a woman can do too.
My sister can u wear ua weddings dress to work..

 

Me: Can I buy you lunch?
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: Does he want lunch too?😆😆

 

Me: Mum, nipatie pesa zenye nilikukopesha last month..
Mum: Nikuzae, nikunyonyeshe, nikulee, nikulishe, nikusomeshe na bado unaniitisha deni ya mia mbili🌚
😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅

 

Jana, nilikutana na boy fulani akaniuliza
mbona nimekunja uso. ,nikamjibu, nataka
kuiweka kwa Bag. Sababu mi sipendi ujinga😂😂😂😂

 

Sasa polisi anatusimamisha eti juu number
plate ya nyuma na ya mbele haifanani, alafu
beshteangu anamuuliza kama uso yake na
matako inafanana…….mi imebidi nicheke sai
tuko central ndo napatiana simu, so nitakua
mteja kiasi .Hata polisi kumbe hawatakangi
ujinga.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

 

Ex wangu amenicall kuitisha earphones
zake..nmempelekea earphones nkachukua simu
yangu..nmemwacha akiziconnect kwa radio😂😂😂😂

Unatoka kubuy dania alafu unapatana na maboys…inabidi uzitafune kama miraa wasijue hutumwa sokoni😂😂😂

 

Ushawahi katia mrembo sana mpaka
anakushow uende kwao akuna mtu kufika
unapata pia yeye hayuko?😂😂😂😂😂

 

Nimetext Ex wangu tu saii,akanijibu ati nilijua tu one day utanitafuta...but me sikua na risto mob nilikuwa tu nataka kumshow nimeona babake na jacket yangu😭😭😭😭maisha nilianza kitambo

 

Juzi neighbor yangu alikuja akaniambia
nipunguze sauti ya radio anataka kulala.Jana
akipika chapoo na mimi nkamwambia apunguze
harufu ya chapati nataka kula ugali. Saa hii tuko
kwa landlord tunaongea hio maneno. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

 

Hukupitia utoto kama kwa
sunday school hukuwahi toa
ushuhuda ukicopy watu wazima,
"...nilikuwa msherati, nlimwona
shetani na macho, nlikuwa
mchawi lakini bwana Yesu
akanikomboa... Sasa niko ndani ya
damu ya Kondoo" 🤭🤭🤭😝😝

 

Unalala kidogo kidogo unasikia whispers ati ” ingiza kichwa pole pole”. Sasa wewe unaendelea kuskiza ukimbao kumbe ni wezi wanakuingilia,.

See your life .😂😂😂😂

 

My wife I think our toilet lights are nowadays automatic 🤔🤔
Wife: how hunny🤷
Husband: 😔I opened the toilet to urinate 😲then lights turned on😳when I finished and closed lights turned off🤭🤭
WIFE: 🙆🙆whaaat you mean you are drunkard again 🤦🤦you mean you have urinated in FRIDGE you bastard😭😭😭

 

Mlevi anapanda gari alafu coda anamuuliza”na
hii ulevi yako utaenda mbinguni kweli”mlevi
akamjibu”kama mnaenda mbinguni simamisha
gari nishuke Mimi naenda tu apa ngara🤣🤣🤣🤣

 

Nlitoka rave 3am juzi.Kufika Moi avenue taxi
ya home inalipisha 1500 na basi ya kwenda
mombasa inalipisha 700,Nlienda Mombasa na
700 nkarudi na 700 na nkabaki na mia😄😄😄😄

 

Meanwhile, A slay queen from kayole kwa mat za forward travellers..

Her: Oyaa deree cheza na PANTY
Driver: Ati nini wewe?
Her: Shukishaaa..
Nimeenda🚶🏽🚶🏽🚶🏽🚶🏽
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

 

A man can love you from the bottom of his heart and still have room at the top of his heart for another girl,,
Nobody understands that except nature

 

Uko kwa club unadance kuku dance, kidogo kidogo mluhya anakuuma mgongo😂😂😂

Ujinga ni bae kuishi ghetto unatoka kwake asubuhi unaskia wamama wa plot wakisema afadhali huyu hakumpigisha kelele kama hao wengine🤣🤣

 

It’s only in Africa that someone will come to your child’s naming ceremony, eat and leave without knowing the name of the child.

I love my people.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

 

My brother..these girls of today..once she enters your place and sees flat screen TV, double bed, stove and fridge...believe me..a very serious relationship has just started!😅😅😅

 

Leo nimeleta dem kipofu kwangu.mapenzi yameshika ikabidi nimemchomoa manguo teketeke saa ameniekelea mkono nikaskia”wow beb this is the best size of dick I’ve ever touched.I love it
sasa naomba mawaidha juu bado sijamwambia ni mguu yangu ameshika🤣🤣🤣🤣

 

Research says97% of kenyans fake caugh while in the toilet when they hear footseps😂😂😏😏

 

Listening to you wife is like looking at the terms and conditions of a website.
You understand nothing but still agree.
😂😂😂😂😂

 

No matter how beautiful your wedding decoration appears to be
It will still make no sense to people who didn’t eat

 

🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓When you are trained, you become a trainee, When you are nominated, you become a nominee, What happens when you are kissed, do you become a Kisii?

 

The way the sun is heating planet
earth…mandume tukifika kwa nyumba we just
need to confirm that we are not walking around with boiled eggs..😆😆😆

 

AMERICA: "Becky Anderson, reporting for CNN."
CANADA: "Reporting from Gotten Town am Michael Moggy."
KENYA: "Gaaaaaaaateteeee Njoooroogeeeeee Citizeeeeeeen Tv."
"Kennnnnnnnnnndagor Obadiaaaaaaaaaah, Citizeeeeeen Tv.""Haaaaaaaaassaaaaaaan Jumaaaaa"🙌Niikiiiiiii fungaa kaabuumbuh nchini kenyaaaa

 

After sex dem anakuambia umpee panty
ilianguka chini ya bed, unapata ni mbili na
hukumbuki yake ilikuwa colour gani…*Hapo ndio
unatambua ufisi pia haitakangi ujinga*🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

 

Last week was my birthday..🎂...My wife didn't wish me.....My parents forgot and so did my kids.....l went to work....Even my colleagues didn't wish me.....As l entered my office my secretary said,"Happy Birthday Boss".....l felt so special for a moment..... She askd me out for lunch..... After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.....WE went there.....She said, "Do you mind if l go into the bedroom for a minute?""Okay", l said.....She came out 5mins later with a cake And My Wife.....My Parents.....My Kids.....My Friends and My Colleagues...All Screaming....SURPRISE!!!.. And l was waiting on the sofa......NAKED.....With a condom ON !!!😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃

 

1.You keep saying, "Relationship is Not About sex!",... My dear, can you date a guy without penis🍆
2.One idiot used GUNSHOTS as his ringtone. His China Phone rung in the Bank 🏦,,,, over an hour we're still looking for the cashier and two security Men😀😂🤣🤣
3.A pregnant girl on my Facebook list finally gave birth....
She has been uploading her baby pics every 20 min and this makes me feel like I'm raising her child with my data buddles
4.You are dating a lady who could not use her father's name as his profile name on Facebook and you are complaining of her cheating on you....
My friend, if she can deny her father, your case is different....
5.If you want to be popular among your village witches and you evil Uncles, just post on Facebook you have won a scholarship to study in USA and that you'll be leaving to USA in one week time...
6.Teacher;class,the sentence,"I Stole a car,!
How will it be in future tense....
Akpos,,, "you will go to jail" 🤔😜😀😂😂
7.Not everyone that sends you a friend request on Facebook wants to be your friend....
Some actually, wants to install CCTV in your life..
8.Love will just make you see your gf as the most beautiful woman on Earth. Breakup and see how ugly the idio is ...... Rubbish upon rubbish.
9.She says she knows me well.... Ok, if you know me well, how many hair do I have in my anus
10.How come you post on Birthday...
Wow, I can't believe that am the one today.....
If you don't believe, how do you expect us to......!?

 

STUDENT: Sir can i have a question?
Teacher: Yes!
Student: how do u put an elephant inside a fridge?
Teacher: i dont know
Student: its easy you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!
Teacher: okay ask!
Student: how to put a donkey inside the fridge??
Teacher: It's easy you just open the fridge and put it in.
Student: No sir! You just open the fridge take out the elephant and put it in.
Teacher: ohhh.. Ok!
Student: let me ask another one, If all the animals went to the lion's birthday party, and one animal went missing which one would it be?
Teacher: the Lion ofcourse! Bcoz it wud eat all the animals.
Student: No sir, it is the donkey bcoz its still inside the fridge.
Teacher: are you kidding me?!
Student: no sir! One last question.
Teacher: ok!!
Student: If there's a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to cross, how would you?
Teacher: There's no way, i would need a boat to cross.
Student: No sir, you just swim and cross it bcoz all the animals went to the lion's birthday party!

 

A Girl Returns Home After 5 Yrs.
*FATHER:* (Angry) Where the hell have you been all these years?!
*GIRL:* I was working as a Prostitute in Nairobi
*FATHER:* What!!! Get out of my house you Whore! I don’t want to see u or your face again do you understand?!
*GIRL:* (Crying) Before I go dad, I came to give you ksh2.5 million cheque, and here is 1million for my brother. I have bought a big house in Diani for you with everything in it including a Benz & a hilux double cab
Bye dad.
*FATHER:* What kind of work did you say you were doing?
*GIRL:* (Crying out loud) A prostitute dad!
*FATHER:* Come and give daddy a hug, I thought you said you were a ‘PROSECUTOR’

*SHIKAMOO PESA

 

A Pastor rears chicken in Church
premises, one evening a Cock
went missing.
In Church the next day, Pastor
asked – “who has a cock?” All the
men stood up.
HE said – “No, I mean who has
seen a cock?” All the women got
up,
Pastor- “No,no,I meant who has
seen a cock that isn’t theirs?” Half
of the women got up,
He said “Oh for goodness sake i
mean!! Who has seen my cock?”
All the Choir girls got up.
The Church scattered

 

A lady went to a newspaper firm to publish her story saying
“I’m looking for a man who won’t beat me, leave me and who
will satisfy me in bed”.
.
Two weeks later she heard a knock on her door as she
opened, she saw a man with no arms and legs and she asked,
“How can I help you?”
The guy quickly answered, “I’m answering your request for a
man.”
The lady continued, “You have no arms!” The guy answered, “I
won’t beat you”.
Lady: You have no legs.
Guy: I won’t leave you.
Lady: How will you satisfy me in bed?
Guy: What do you think I was knocking with?🤣🤣🤣

 

I LOVE THESE STUDENTS

Three Egerton university students dodged exam because they were partying the whole weekend and couldn't read. They came up with a plan, got themselves dirty using grease then went to see the Dean on Monday morning, just few hours after the exam.
"Sir we are sorry we couldn’t make it to the exam. We attended a wedding and on our way back the car broke down thus as you can see, we tried to repair it in vain. The Dean understood and
told them they will write on Wednesday.
On Wednesday, they went to the Dean very ready for the exam because they had studied. The Dean put them in three separate classrooms. There were only four questions on the exam paper:
1. Who was getting married? (25 marks)
2. Where was the reception held? (25marks)
3. Where exactly did the car break down? (25marks)
4.What type of car broke down? (25marks)
Good luck...
NB.: Your answers must be the same.!!

 

POOR JOHNY

Johnny wanted to have s#x with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The idiot used coins!"

 

Ati padlock inauzwa 2k …kwani inakam na watchman?

Ati bra ni 10,000..kwani ni long sleeved?

Ati kiberiti 8bob …kwani imetengenezwa na burning spear?

Ati pk ni ten bob …kwani inawes make?

Ati Samaki ni 200?? …Kwani ni ile ilimeza Jonah?Ati Samaki ni 200?? …Kwani ni ile ilimeza Jonah?

Ati huezi kula chipo mwitu …kwani za hoteli zimevaa suti

Ati mayai ni 30 bob …kwani ni mama kayai alizitaga??

Ati bra ni 1500 …kwani inakuja na matiti?

Ati sabuni ya 900/- …kwani inaosha dhambi?

Ati tai ni 300bob …kwani inakuja na shingo?

*ONGEZEA LIST